Wednesday, September 28
warning: the post below is yet another portion of teenage angst served up with irritating self-absorption. if you can't handle that, go away. this is my space, i'll say what i want to say and feel what i want to feel.
there. now i can lash out.
i was furious at the chinese teacher today for wasting my time and energy. i was already so tired from the monthly inconvenience, then i had to wander round and round the school hunting for him. more than once. i mean if you say you're in the staffroom and tell me to go there, then will you please
stay there for about 5 minutes so that your student can rush there to take a test that is not even important for the promos? but no, he had to waste 2 hours of my time. thank you very much. i appreciate it greatly. i can't waste my own time without your help.
and everything just went downhill from there. i don't know, i could blame the weather [it's raining] or the hormones [monthly inconvenience again] or bush [he's so convenient to blame, you know] but really i know i'm just being a big-time bitch. with every hour that passed i just ended up feeling more and more depressed and i was so frustrated with myself and everything and everyone that i just felt like slamming a glass against the wall and dragging its shards across my skin. or maybe just crying. i don't know why i'm so violent.
decided not to eat with mari and sara. with my bad mood and black face i wouldn't have been very good company anyway. so i'm bingeing on chips and coke instead. blasting 'goodbye' by air supply.
you would never ask me why my heart is so disguised.. i just can't live a lie anymore.i think i finally know what i hate the most about hwachong. it isn't just that it's cheena and red and annoyingly communist.. it makes me feel bad about myself. i don't hate my class. or my classmates. or my teachers. they just have this knack of making me feel like a classic idiot. and /or retard. i felt okay about myself in st marg's. i don't think i've ever felt good about myself, but that's okay, c'est la vie. but at least i felt okay. i felt okay when i topped bio in sec3. i felt okay when my english and lit essays were read out and passed around. i felt okay as a pl, a monitress. but i don't feel okay about myself anymore, ever. it just seems like everything's hit rock bottom. i got a borderline pass in lit. the only comment at the bottom of my paper was that it was relevant but far too brief. i don't have the mental or physical stamina to write more than 1 1/2 pages. history - failing due to lack of content knowledge. math - failing because i don't know why, maybe i just stopped caring, or maybe it's what i've always known - i'm an illogical fool. the last bit goes for econs -which i'm failing too. i hate being in a good school.
oh God i am so whiny.
why can't i just accept the fact that i am useless at everything, that i will never be anything, that all i have to do is want something in order not to get it?
the math teacher said, stop doing too difficult questions if it affects your morale. after which he said i have to work much harder. okay so i work hard on easy questions in order to build my morale, is that it? all the while knowing that i would never survive doing the hard rj / hc questions? who cares what your morale is like, going into the exam hall, if you're going to leave with the same sinking feeling in your heart. don't expect anything, don't even hope or dream or anything foolish like that, because you'll only disappoint yourself.
i'm trying not to lash out in school, in public, because it isn't fair to you. i try to keep it inside so it doesn't disturb other people. so no one can say i have no control. but i confess, i have no control. i've been twirling my knife more frequently than i've been twirling my pen. what can i say? there used to be a time when someone could stop me. well things have changed, my dear. my heart belongs to no one, and i have no one's heart. i can do anything i want. i'd love to blame you, but maybe you don't mean enough for me to even consider blaming. and yes i think i've said goodbye.
shall go bang mozart on the piano. i don't deserve time off to play. but there's lesson later so i might as well brush up on mozart. i won't allow myself to touch my favourite scores. somehow the ache in my fingers when i play nonstop for too long is somewhat reassuring.
did you ever know a more pathetic specimen of a detestable human?
it must've been love.
2:48 pm
xoxo
